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Title : MY FEAR
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MY FEAR

Whenever asked the questions, "what are you afraid of?" and "what scares you?", with a very matter of fact tone, I would always answer with, "nothing"... {I was once super scared of spiders but, I can deal with those monsters now, lol...} However, recently I did experience fear.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with fibroids after experiencing symptoms as of 2007. It would be 8 years before I'd have some sort of breakthrough with treatment, or a surgical option to remove the largest and most troublesome.

On Sunday 25th October 2015, having done what I felt was the necessary prep, I travelled to Benenden hospital in Kent. I was to have yet another blood test that same afternoon and then further prepare myself for the hysterectomy operation. I felt confident, ready; fearless and there was no going back. In a matter of hours, on Monday 26th October 2015, I would be fibroid free. Having my mother with me for support, alongside my brother, was comforting although at that point I didn't realise just how much I would need them both.

On Sunday afternoon I was given a blood test and told the results would not be with me until the following morning. I was frustrated by this as I had originally been informed that I'd have the results that same evening to confirm whether or not my haemoglobin levels would allow for the op to go ahead. Albeit slightly annoyed at having to wait, I still felt okay about everything. Suffice to say, I never saw all that was to follow panning out the way that it did...

After the blood test, once at the hospital lodge, as we were checking into our rooms I suddenly felt my chest tighten, my temperature began to rise, hands shaking, head throbbing and a real struggle to breathe... DAMMIT! My anxiety has gone into overdrive and I am now having a panic attack!! Of all the horrid things anyone can feel, the grip of a panic attack is by far {my} worst! Tears streaming down my face, angry with myself; fuming at not being able to control what was happening in that very moment, I cried telling my brother, Ashley, "I want to go home". Fear had crept in from nowhere! Could I actually go through with the surgery?

The panic attack was awful, they always are. I started to experience anxiety and the attacks during my teens but, up to this day, I've no idea why... That said, they are less frequent nowadays.

After helping to calm me down, while we were all inside my room at the hospital lodge, my mother decided that we should get some air and my brother suggested we get something to eat. In that moment I realised I hadn't eaten since Friday lunch time, good grief!! Despite this, I didn't feel hungry but, I did have some food.

Later, being back at the hospital lodge {where I had the panic attack} felt a bit odd because, I was now quite comfortable and relaxed being there. "I'm okay", I thought. Once again I was ready for the operation in the morning. I said "goodbye" to my brother and after a catch up on Made in Chelsea, Empire {Series 2} and a comforting chat with a friend, I showered then went to bed. It would be 3 hours and 45 minutes until I woke up to do my exercises, shower again, get dressed and head to the hospital for surgery.

At 6:20am on the Monday my mother and I made our way to the hospital. We were the first {of the other patients and their relatives, or friends} to arrive. 7am, with the waiting area now full, we were all asked to make our way to another waiting area on the Garland Ward. Within less than 5 minutes I was called and shown to my hospital room. The staff were all so friendly and the hospital was exceptionally pristine all of which, ironically, made me feel uncomfortable.